Diet Crashing

This is me ^ age 23 and size 20 - 22

As you can see I'm quite big. 

I have a round face, big legs, big belly, big bum and not so big boobs. 

However this was not always the case 

before i left school i was a size 12 - 14. 

and never had a worry or care about my weight.

Here is some proof ^ this is me age 16. 

Ignore the tan and extremely thin eyebrows :/ 

My journey from average sized teen to fat adult has not been an easy one. 

The basic facts of how i put on so much weight 

are: 

1. My ex introduced me to an unhealthy lifestyle and I'm not putting the blame on him because he certainly never force fed me per say. but before getting together i had a takeaway once or twice a year and a trip to a restaurant was reserved for special occasions like birthdays. But in that relationship we ate takeaway maybe twice a week as well as visiting restaurants weekly. Our weekly cinema trips were never complete without a huge ice cream Sunday and bags of sweets and we would sit and munch goodies most nights in front of the tv all washed down with litres of pepsi. Again i can't sit and blame him as i happily adapted to this lifestyle and embraced it. And even after we broke up i have clung on to certain bad habits. 

2. I stopped hanging around with friends. As a teen my dad would drop me off every school night and weekend at my friends houses and we would hang around the park and streets where they lived. Because we were kids and had no money we used to walk for miles every night to another friends house or up to the Asda just to walk around for something to do. We would sit in the park of a summer and play tennis or run around playing football with the lads. I never thought of it as exercise but since growing up and stopping hanging around the streets and also gaining a licence and a car i now realise i walk nowhere ! 

This is how lazy i am. I live in my boyfriend Joshs house with his mum and dad. and my work is literally at the top of his road. it takes me 3 minutes to walk to work of a morning. Well for the first 5 months of living here i drove round there everyday !! It took longer to bloody drive and find a space than it does walk ! 

Ive found it quite hard over the years to adapt to a bigger body. 

In my mind i still think of myself as being that thinner person and its only when 

i squeeze past tables and knock things off with my arse that reality hits me that I'm not the person i used to be.

I really struggled with this for a long time but when i was 19 i found the plus size blogging community. 

And for the first time in a long time i didn't feel alone anymore. 

These people that where sometimes hundreds of miles away from me, made me feel like i was part of a community of strong women who were sick of being marginalised because of their size. And this triggered a reaction in me which was well why shouldn't i be loved because of my size. And why should i feel guilty for having a slice of cake if i want it ! 

And I still agree with all this. 

But whats happened lately is an inner struggle in my mind. 

When i split up with my ex i weighed 19st which was my heaviest. 

After the breakup i got down to 16st 3lbs not through dieting but just because i was no longer had someone to go for meals with or sit in and order takeaways with.

And then i got a new boyfriend and the cycle kind of started again. The odd takeaway here and there. Once we get paid going for meals. Sitting in on game of thrones night and eating some ice cream. 

And the weight has started to pile on again. 

Right now I'm about 17st 11lbs. 

And i don't feel happy at this weight.

I joined Slimming World in January and was really inspired the first week i lost 5lbs and was all woohoo go me ! 

but since then my inner voice has kicked in. 

and its a constant struggle now between me feeling sad and hating myself because my clothes are tighter and i feel bloated and tired. 

and then the other side of me is saying " launa you are beautiful at any weight why should you be buying into the beauty industry idea of perfection, stop going to that weight loss club and supporting the industry that puts you down" 

So basically I'm eating cake because i think i shouldn't feel guilty and i can eat what i want but then I'm crying about it because i don't fit in my clothes. 

I am stuck in the battleground of my mind and i don't know what to do. 

To be honest i don't even know the summary to this post i just needed to get my feeling out a little bit. If anyone is feeling this struggle or has any words of wisdom for me to get out of this slump i would greatly appreciate them.